In a previous post I shared 7 benefits of confrontation. It is good to know the value and benefits of confrontation. Hopefully this motivates us to confront when necessary.
After we have been motivated to confront we need to go to the next step which is: actually doing the confronting! Before we can do this effectively we need to know the essentials of a good confrontation.
12 essentials of good confrontation
(from “How to Have That Difficult Conversation You’ve Been Avoiding” by Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend)
1. Be emotionally present.
Being present refers to being in touch and in tune with our own feelings as well as those of the other person. Presence and connection help make confrontation tolerable.
2. Be clear about “You” and “I”.
Problems arise when we don’t clearly distinguish our feelings and opinions from the other person’s. Instead of saying “You need to change this”, say “I need for you to change this.” There is an “I” who has a desire and a request and there is a “you” who is being asked to change something. That is clear.
3. Clarify the problem.
Be clear about the nature of the your problem with the other person. Here are 3 important elements of the problem itself and what you would like to see happen: (1) Clarify the nature of the problem (2) Clarify the effects of the problem and (3) Clarify your desire for change.
4. Balance grace and truth.
Grace is our being on the side of, or “for” the other person as well as the relationship. Truth is the reality of whatever we need to say about the problem. Having the two together counters the bad effects of having one of these by itself.
5. Stay on task.
A good confrontation has a specific and clear focus. It can be reduced to one or both of two things: You want the other to start doing something you want or to stop doing something you don’t want.
6. Use the formula, When you do “A”, I feel “B”.
One of the most powerful and effective ingredients of a good confrontation is explaining to a person how their attitudes or actions influence you. In other words, you show how what another person does affects your emotions.
7. Affirm and validate.
Affirmation and validation of a person is not rocket science. The basic message you want to convey is that you care about the person; you notice things they are doing well, or you let them know you are on their side.
8. Apologize for your part in the problem.
Don’t confront someone if you owe them an apology first. Make sure you have a clean slate before the person.
9. Avoid “shoulds”.
The word “should” feels parental and judgmental to people. People who use many “shoulds” get less helpful outcomes and reactions from other people than those who don’t.
10. Be an agent of change.
Be helpful and supportive. Be clear that you want to help the other person in any way you can. Becoming “change agents” for each other is the best kind of confrontation there is. It is confrontation in the highest service of love.
11. Be specific.
Don’t use words like “never” and “always.” Global statements in all-or-nothing terms do little to solve the problem. When you talk to someone, instead of giving big picture descriptions, give them specifics about the problem, what is it that you want to be different, or what they can do to resolve the problem.
12. Differentiate between forgiving and trusting.
We need to remember 3 things: (1) Forgiveness has to do with the past – forgiveness is not holding something someone has done against them (2) Reconciliation has to do with the present – it occurs when the other person apologizes and accepts forgiveness and (3) Trust has to do with the future – a person must show through their actions that they are trustworthy before you trust them again.
Which ones are you good at? Which ones are you not so good at?
A Few Related Posts You May Find Useful:
Sermon Synopsis 6/29 – Curbing Complaining
Life skills for growth: Bill of Responsibilities
Life skills for growth: Healthy, Biblical speaking
Lessons on how to confront from the Celebrity Apprentice
Do you play the blame game?
Misunderstanding breaks down communication
Nothing hurts quite like the message of rejection
7 benefits of confrontation
Kevin,
Great article! I love how you have a way of providing solutions in a wholesome matter.
Personally, I might consider using the majority of these essentials, but I think the most important message (I couldn’t stop thinking about) was the need for actually confrontation.
So many people avoid confrontation at all costs (I might be just a guilty), but really it’s the foundation that all freedom was built upon.
I know that statement might seem like it drifts a little bit, but… if you can’t use those essentials to stand up for or confront an issue or person, then what you want… might ever come.
I think the guidelines you layout here, give anyone a practical guideline to be better at being clear of that they want and what they don’t want; for themselves, and their relationships.
Thanks again!
-D
Thanks for sharing your thoughts Dereck!
You are right, we have to realize the importance and benefits of confrontation and not run from it when it comes.
Hi Kevin,
I believe in confronting our differences with others to resolve problems. Sometimes the other person doesn’t know the rules of engagement. They may become defensive and agitated.
These types I just don’t bother with.
Great point Justin!
All we can do is our part. We can’t stop the other person from reacting negatively.
Thanks for sharing!
Wow, Kevin… Confrontation is my nemesis. I have always struggle with a confrontation. I just want to make nice. Funny thing is that not everyone wants what I want. I have however learned some good confrontational skills in the last few years and while it is still difficult for me I think I am improving.
Your suggestions for good confrontations are right on the money. Thanks for a good reminder of the do’s and don’t of good confrontations.
You are in good company Jim! There are many of us who struggle with confrontation.
I am on a learning curve right now too!
Thanks for sharing!
Hi Kevin,
This is a great post! I really do hate confrontation but do recognize the value and benefit to constructive confrontation.
I especially like the differentiation between forgiveness, reconciliation and trust. I’ve heard (not so long ago) a great definition of forgiveness : letting go of wishing that the past can be different. I’m not at all sure where I heard it but it did make me look at forgiveness in an entirely new light.
Thanks for a great post!
Great definition of forgiveness Linnea!
Thanks for sharing!
I think my favorite of all the 12 is #1 – Be Emotionally Present. If we are present with ourselves we can learn what emotions are important as far as the situation is concerned.
It’s interesting to learn that you suggest to use “I” over “you”. I’m more used to using the word “we” and wording the confrontation in a non-resistant approach. But the way you suggested to use the word “I” makes a lot of sense as well.
I also appreciate #9 – Avoid “Shoulds” – I replace my “shoulds” with “musts”.
Thanks for sharing these great suggestions Kevin!
-Jaclyn Castro
Thanks for sharing your thoughts Jaclyn!
Kevin, this is great advice thank you! Another word I don’t like when I’m in confrontation with someone is “you’re wrong”. When someone tells me “I’m wrong” I really get my “back up” and get defensive. I don’t mind being told if I’ve made a mistake, but I just don’t like those 2 words for some reason.
thanks again Kevin, bye for now, Julieanne
Great point Julieanne!
Thanks for sharing!
Hello Kevin
I know then visiting your blog I will find a principle driven solution to a life situation. Confrontation is something that hold me back as I keep putting them off. After read your post confrontation will be easier following these principles. In benefit #12 you mention forgiveness, which is one of the most important things we can do.
Thanks
Perry A Davis Jr
Music City
Thanks for sharing your thoughts Perry!
Really enjoyed this article Kevin. I’d have to say like others who have commented here, confrontation isn’t my strong suit, especially when someone is attempting to bully me. I was the sensitive artist/nerdy kid in school, and yes, I was bullied BIG time, which left me with anger issues. Pretty much under control these days, but it’s something I have to always be aware of in order to avoid sudden flashbacks
Marquita:
It is amazing how much our past affects how we respond to situations in the present.
I was never bullied as a kid so I can’t even imagine the anger and hurt that caused you.
It is great that you are recognizing when you are going down the path of anger and are doing something about it.
Thanks for sharing!
Kevin
Great guidelines, Kevin! I was always shut down and not listened to as a kid, so kept everything inside for a long time. As an adult I began to swing in the other direction and get extremely angry, letting it all out. Now I am working on a more middle of the road approach. Your guidelines are very helpful. Thanks
Lori
Learning to confront (in healthy and appropriate ways) makes for a more stress free life.
Thanks for sharing!
Wording the confrontation in a non-resistant approach. But the way you suggested to use the word “I” makes a lot of sense as well. Thanks!
Thanks for sharing your thoughts Naruto!
for me confrontation it’s not easy to control.anyway this is great post.
Thanks for sharing Maricar!
I was always shut down and not listened to as a kid, so kept everything inside for a long time. As an adult I began to swing in the other direction and get extremely angry, letting it all out. |
It is good to seek a healthy balance between the two extremes.
Thanks for sharing!
I especially like the differentiation between forgiveness, reconciliation and trust. I’ve heard not so long ago a great definition of forgiveness : letting go of wishing that the past can be different.
That’s a great definition Ayayay!
Thanks for sharing.
I don’t mind being told if I’ve made a mistake, but I just don’t like those 2 words for some reason.
Thanks for sharing!
I don’t want confrontation.. It makes me shout..
Nobody likes confrontation but we will all face it. This is why we need to learn how to deal with it in healthy ways.
Thanks for sharing Heather!
I have however learned some good confrontational skills in the last few years and while it is still difficult for me I think I am improving. |
Making progress and improving in this area is a critical part of our overall growth.
Thanks for sharing!
Good stuff kiven,and nice progress, thanks for the good words shared here.
Thanks Jenetosa!
I should let hubby read this post!This are all good things to remember. I think finger pointing is not good during quarrels, Things should be resolved with out fist fight or finger pointing.
Great points!
Thanks for sharing!
I completely appreciate this post! I have always struggle with a confrontation. I just want to make nice. Funny thing is that not everyone wants what I want. I have however learned some good confrontational skills in the last few years and while it is still difficult for me I think I am improving.
Confrontation is going to be a part of our lives whether we like it or not.
Learning good skills is critical to our ongoing growth and development.
Thanks for sharing!
By sharing this ideas for sure there will people learn after reading your article confrontation is a good idea to solve a small matter between to people. by doing this you have the ability of big patience to talk in a peaceful way. thank you for sharing this idea,
Thanks for sharing Patricia!
confront effectively and in a healthy way, we need to know the essentials of good.
Thanks for sharing Yvette!