We must have the right attitudes in order to have joy in our relationships! An attitude is simply “a mental position or feeling with regard to an object.” In other words, our attitude is related to our outlook on life and how we view situations that come our way.
What we focus our minds on is very important because what we think about will affect our emotions which will affect our actions.
3 attitudes that will kill our joy in relationships
All of these attitudes are self-centred/self focused.
1. Self-reliance.
The person with this attitude says: “I can do life on my own. I don’t need anybody. I can do this all by myself.”
The attitude of self-reliance excludes others. This attitude is very independent. It doesn’t want to include others in their lives because that might mean giving up control or it might mean doing things a different way.
We need the attitude of working with others. We need to have the word “we” in our vocabulary if we going to have joy in our relationships. We were never meant to do life alone and by ourselves. God created us to be connected and interdependent with others.
2. Self-importance.
The person with this attitude says: “I am better than everyone else. My needs matter more than your needs. What I care about is more important than what you care about.”
The person with this attitude only wants to exalt themselves and they will seek to do that at all costs. The person with this attitude likes to be noticed for their successes. When you are talking to them; it is all about them. They are not interested in you at all. They are very prideful.
We are to humble ourselves and consider others better than ourselves. To humble ourselves means to recognize that everything we are is from God. We can never earn the right to hold ourselves above others. Everything we are is from the grace of God.
What does it mean to consider others better than ourselves? This does not mean that we must have false or unrealistic views of ourselves as compared to others but it means that our consideration for others must precede concern for ourselves.
This is describing a community where everyone is giving consideration to the other person. i.e. I consider you above me and you consider me above you. It is reciprocal.
3. Selfishness.
The person with attitude says: “I will only participate in relationships that meet my needs and relationships that cater to my interests.”
The person with this attitude only considers their interests, their rights and their plans. They do not care about anyone else’s interests, rights and plans. This person wants more for themselves and they will step on and over people to get it.
We should not only look to our own interests but also to the interest of others. We don’t just ignore our own interests BUT the interests of others must also be part of our concern. We need to be looking out for the interest of others.
Which of these 3 attitudes do you struggle with the most?
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Inspirational message Kevin. I don’t disagree with any of your points; I do however offer my own personal disclaimer on “Self-Reliance.” Personally this is a trait I highly prize. For better or worse, there are many woman who have relied mightely on their partners only to find themselves alone out in the cold and vunerable after a split. I’m not saying that I disagree with your point about the value of interconnectedness, just that a certain amount of self-reliance is important to building self-confidence and resilience in life.
I hear what you are saying Marty. A certain level of self-reliance is absolutely necessary in life (especially in relationships). The trouble comes when our self-reliance begins to exclude others from being a part of our life.
Thanks for sharing!
I do pretty well on #1 and #2 but number three is one I think most people struggle with, I know I do. I tend to seek out people who have the same interests as I do and kind of shy away from people I may not think I have anything in common with. I tend to get all wrapped up in my world and right beside me there is someone who may be crying out for help. Good post….Lori
Selfishness is definitely a tough one. It is so easy to fall prey too.
Thanks for sharing Lori!
If I have to pick one area I have struggled with it is the self-reliance, just doing it myself. I know that success in any endeavor requires collaboration. None of us can do it all alone. However, often when I rely upon someone else, they have not held up their end of the bargain and cost me additional time, money and frustration. In all 3 of those statements, it is not an either-or. We need a certain amount of self-reliance and a balance of collaboration. We need a certain amount of self-importance or we will never attain what we want. If we don’t believe in our own self, nobody else will either. And we do need a bit of selfishness. If we are only focused on the needs of everybody else, we cannot accomplish the tasks that matter most to us. We do have to choose carefully who our companions and associates will be. But once we choose to be in a relationship, especially an intimate relationship, that is when those 3 attitudes can make or break it.
Excellent points Dr. Erica! I totally agree with you.
Thanks fore sharing!
This is an interesting article, Kevin, thank you for sharing it with us. Like some of the others who have posted comments, I do not believe these are either/or choices in our lives. Or that we have to choose the same way all the time.
Some self reliance and some recognition of self worth can go a long way to helping people become able to get along in the world without being totally dependent on others. I suspect that people who cannot do anything for themselves or who are constantly self critical may do a bit better with some certain amount of self reliance.
I am not a psychologist, nor do I play one online, I just suspect that it would be OK for us to be OK with ourselves and what we can do and to be proud of those things in a healthy way.
I agree with you Michael. We do need a certain amount of these “negative” attitudes in some form in our lives. The problem becomes when our lives become dominated by these attitudes.
Thanks for sharing!