We need friends in our lives who deeply care about us – who love us despite our brokenness. We need friends who will be with us no matter what. Henri Nouwen wrote:
“When we honestly ask ourselves which person in our lives mean the most to us, we often find that it is those who, instead of giving advice, solutions, or cures, have chosen rather to share our pain and touch our wounds with a warm and tender hand. The friend who can be silent with us in a moment of despair or confusion, who can stay with us in an hour of grief and bereavement, who can tolerate not knowing, not curing, not healing and face us with the reality of our powerlessness, that is a friend who cares.”
This quote powerfully speaks to me! In this quote I see 5 characteristics of a friend who cares. They are:
1. Doesn’t give advice but shares the other person’s pain. This is a tough one for me. For most of my life as a pastor I wrongly thought that my role was to “cure” people when they were hurting. It’s not! My role is to care! God’s role is to cure! It’s the same with friends. Friends care; not cure!
2. Touches people’s wounds with a warm and tender hand. Three years ago when I was on my medical leave I experienced this first hand from a group of leaders at a pastor’s retreat. I was hurting and broken. The leaders at that retreat tenderly dealt with me. I will never forget their care!
3. Can be silent in a moment of despair or confusion. This is another tough one for me. Everything within me wants to speak in these types of situations because I am uncomfortable with the silence. We need to learn to accept the silence as a gift.
4. Stays with people in their hour of grief and bereavement. A friend who cares gives the gift of presence. They don’t need to say anything. They just need to be there.
5. Stands beside people in their moment of powerlessness. There are no easy answers. There are quick solutions to every situation that people face. A friend who cares will stand by others in these times. They will be the shoulder to cry on. They will offer the hand of support.
This is the type of friend that I want to have in my life. This is the type of friend that I want to be to others!
Do you have a friend (or friends) in your life that demonstrate(s) these characteristics? Which characteristic is most meaningful to you? Which one is the most difficult for you to do?
A Few Related Posts You May Find Useful:
Friendship Part II – My BEST Friend
Five different phases of biblical grieving Part 1: Pay attention
Some final thoughts on grieving
Questions, secrets and whatever else we don’t share
When the rubber hits the road …
How to grieve well
2 truths we need to remember when we are hurting
Worry is not your friend
Great list Kevin…sounds like the Father's heart to me.
Thanks Jay!
My recent post The most courageous way to live
so much wisdom in these words … just the "being there" and not needing to know the details is such a blessing …
Great post. makes me appreciate my friends so muh more, and think about the kind of friend I am.
Very true Susan! Thanks for sharing!
My recent post The most courageous way to live
I would have to agree!
My recent post The greatest gift we can give our children is
Thanks for stopping by and sharing dr. mo!
My recent post The most courageous way to live
I'm with Jay. In addition to the Father…my wife comes in second.
My recent post In the Word- Completing Joy
When I read your first tip, two things came to mind: (a) when people give advice before they even know another person and whether that advice would be appreciated OR EVEN relevant; (b) lesson from John Gray's "Men are from Mars and Women from Venus" — women often just want their men to listen and NOT give advice.
I tried that with my husband once, and after his 30 minutes of listening and not responding, he told me he felt like a stick of wood [because he couldn't fix my problem].
I can't count the people I call a "friend" and I'm thankful I can report that they fit the bill. Now I will use this as a guideline when I claim to be a friend to others.
I will add to my list of borrowed lines …. "Friends care; not cure!"I think when we don our "control" hat, we tend to THINK we have the capability to cure. Great reminder.
Thanks, Kevin!
My recent post Why Am I Offended
Great thoughts about friends. Reminds me of wonderful people I know and also reminds me I need to be that for others. I've been trained to be a "professional pastor" I'd much rather be known as a true friend.
My recent post One Book and Three Booklets with More on the Way
Thanks for sharing Kissie! Friends who exhibit these characteristics to us are definitely a blessing.
My recent post What does your face say to people
Men (in general) definitely have a hard time just listening and not fixing.
Thanks for sharing Shari!
My recent post What does your face say to people
Amen Trevor! I want to be known as a true friend too!
Thanks for sharing!
My recent post What does your face say to people