There are no guarantees when it comes to parenting. You can be the best parent in the world and do everything right but there’s absolutely no guarantee that your child won’t grow up and walk away from you.
If you build a relationship with your child, though, the chance of ultimate rebellion happening is very small. What usually brings a child back is not all the truth we’ve taught them but what kind of relationships we’ve built with them.
7 ways to relationally connect with our children
(from “The 21-Day Dad’s Challenge: Three Weeks to a Better Relationship with Your Kids
1. Affirmation.
To affirm means to “validate and confirm.” Affirming our children’s feelings tells them they’re real people with valid feelings. When we identify with their excitement or disappointment, we let them know that we care and that they’re understood for who they really are.
2. Acceptance.
Our acceptance helps our kids believe that we will still love them no matter what happens. Acceptance is embracing our children for who they are rather than what they do. When our children feel accepted by us, they’re more likely to be vulnerable and transparent, opening up greater trust between us and them.
3. Appreciation.
Appreciation shows our children they’re valued and that their accomplishments make a difference. Accepting our children tells them that their being matters; expressing appreciation to them tells that their doing matters too. Catch your children doing something right and show them appreciation.
4. Affection.
Expressing affection to our kids through loving words and appropriate touch communicates that they’re worth loving. Every expression of care and closeness provides emotional reinforcement, helping our children to realize that they are loved.
5. Availability.
Expressing affirmation, acceptance, appreciation and affection to our children is critical, but we do that only if we make ourselves available to them. When we are not available we are saying in essence, “Yes, I love you, but other things still come ahead of you.” Our children spell love T-I-M-E.
6. Approach.
We need to find out what is significant to our kids, no matter how old they are. Then we need to step into – approach their world. When we step into our kid’s world, it shows them we care about what they care about.
7. Accountability.
If we don’t balance the above relational connecting points with loving limits and boundaries, our children won’t learn responsibility. Accountability provides the parameters within which our children can operate safely and securely.
How’s your relationship with your child? Which of the seven connecting points seems most likely to help?
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I believe that the relationship between my son (who’s less than a month away from being 11) and me has grown tremendously by God’s grace and plan. All 7 traits have played a part in our relationship’s growth. I can’t pick one because I have seen that Affirmation, Acceptance, and Appreciation have been so important in my son trusting me with his heart and his feelings. I am a single full time working mom, so my son doesn’t see me as often as some other moms may see their children. But I do my best and I think Tony (my son) sees that. We do things like watch a movie at least once a week. Have a quick dinner together before he goes back to his room and plays video games. He tells me all the time that he loves me. I can tell he feels so good when he comes to me with something and I say ‘I understand son.’ For a boy going through different emotions, I have learned that can make a big difference. And honestly has also played an important part in our relationship. Honest in that I’m not perfect. Honest in that I don’t understand everything. And honest with myself in knowing what I can handle. I tell my son that I may not understand what’s going on but I will work to be patient and make the best decision based on what I know. I think about our differences and we both embrace that. And what we both enjoy, we partake in that. And by God’s grace we are growing together.
It sounds like you have a wonderful relationship with your son Stefanie! I have a huge respect for single moms as I was raised for by a single mom for part of my childhood. Keep up the great job that you are doing!
HI Kevin, thanks for sharing those 7 ways of relationally connect with our children, and their some people just need this to get the attention of their child. just like me because I’m really busy in my work I have no time with my children. that’s why this time I will get their thoughts again to me..
It is definitely important to make time for our children. We will not regret the effort!
Thanks for sharing Fatima!
Kevin, See, Sometimes we can be so busy with our jobs, and our personal goals in life, and changing the world, that we have very little time to spend with our kids. That should be on the top as parents!
Spending time with our kids should be a high priority for those of us who are parents. We will build strong relationships that will last when we do.
Thanks for sharing Mika!
Hi Kevin, I love your “A” words to connecting and building a relationship with our children. My girls are grown and have their own families, but I believe people are never too old to be appreciated and affirmed. At this stage in mine and my daughters lives, I try to be available as much as possible.
Thank you Kevin, we always need some prodding to continue to look for ways to connect with our families.
Bless you Big!
Lynn
You are right, it doesn’t matter how old our children are – we still need to be doing these 7 things.
Thanks for sharing Lynn!
Hi Kevin, I was truly blessed as I read your 7 ways of connecting with your children. When my husband and i were raising our children we had a plan so that we would not have to send our children to day care. I worked the mid night shift and my husband worked days. There was always one of the parents at home with the children. How can I get this accross to one of my daughters, how important it is to spend time with your child?
Sadly a lot of people don’t realize the importance of spending time with their children until it is too late.
Thanks for sharing Pamela!
It is SO important to spend time with your kids. We try and have a family night every Friday. Sometimes life gets crazy, but you should always make time for your kids!
We do the same thing! If we don’t make it a priority to spend time with our kids it may never happen.
Thanks for sharing Mary!