The approval addict

The world we live in is filled with people who demand that we please them in exchange for their approval and acceptance. Such demands often lead us directly to this false belief: I must be approved by certain others to feel good about myself.

We are ensnared by this lie in many subtle ways.  Believing it causes us to bow to peer pressure in an effort to gain approval – we become approval addicts. We try to find approval in whatever ways we can, hoping to find a place of acceptance for ourselves.

Ultimately, we do these things because we do not want to be rejected.

Virtually all of us fear rejection. We can fall prey to it even when we’ve learned to harden our defenses in anticipation of someone’s disapproval.

Neither being defensive nor trying to please another person’s every whim is the answer to this problem. These are only coping mechanisms that prevent us from dealing with the root of our fear.

A symptom of our fear of rejection can be our inability to give and receive love. We find it difficult to open up and reveal our inner thoughts and motives because we believe that others will reject us if they know what we are really like.

Therefore, our fear of rejection leads us superficial relationships or isolation. The more we experience isolation, the more we need acceptance.

Living according to the false belief “I must be approved by certain others to feel good about myself” causes us to fear rejection, conforming virtually all of our attitudes and actions to the expectations of others.

How do we react to the fear of rejection?

Some of us project a cool, hardened exterior and, consequently, never develop deep satisfying relationships.

Some of us are so fearful of rejection that we withdraw and decline almost everything, while others continually say yes to everyone, hoping to gain their approval.

Some of us are shy and easily manipulated; some of us are insensitive to criticism and react defensively.

Our fear of rejection will control us to the degree by which we base our self-worth on the opinions of others rather than on our relationship with God.

Our dependence on others for value brings bondage, while abiding in the truths of Christ’s love and acceptance brings freedom and joy. Therefore, the only way we can overcome the fear of rejection is to value the constant approval of God over the conditional approval of people.

God’s solution to the fear of rejection and to the approval addict is based on Christ’s sacrificial payment for our sins. Through this payment, we find forgiveness, reconciliation, and total acceptance through Christ.

Reconciliation means that those who were enemies have become friends. Paul described our transformation from enmity to friendship with God in Colossians 1:21-22 which says:

“Once you were alienated from God and were enemies in your minds because of your evil behavior. But now he has reconciled you by Christ’s physical body through death to present you holy in his sight, without blemish and free from accusation”

Sadly, many of us are reluctant to accept God’s forgiveness and unconditional acceptance of us.  We falsely believe that God could never forgive OUR sin that we have committed.  But the good news is that God does not base His love and acceptance of us on our performance!

If any sin is so filthy and vile that it makes us less acceptable to God, then the cross is insufficient.

If the cross isn’t sufficient for all sin, then the Bible is in error when it says that God forgave all our sin.

But God did!

God took our sins and cancelled them by nailing them to Christ’s cross. In this way, God also took away Satan’s power to condemn us for sin. Colossians 2:13-15 says:

“When you were dead in your sins and in the uncircumcision of your flesh, God made you alive with Christ. He forgave us all our sins, having cancelled the charge of our legal indebtedness, which stood against us and condemned us; he has taken it away, nailing it to the cross. And having disarmed the powers and authorities, he made a public spectacle of them, triumphing over them by the cross.”

So you see, nothing we will ever do can nullify our reconciliation and make us unacceptable to God!

Our unconditional acceptance in Christ is a profound, life-changing truth.   Salvation is not simply a ticket to heaven. It is the beginning of a dynamic new relationship with God. The moment we receive Christ by faith, we enter into a personal relationship with Him.

Because of reconciliation, we are completely acceptable to and by God.  We enjoy a full and complete relationship with Him, and in this relationship, His determination of our value is not based on our performance.

So then, our worth lies in the fact that Christ’s blood has paid for our sins; therefore, we are reconciled to God. We are accepted on that basis alone, but does this great truth indicate that we don’t need other people in our lives?

No, God very often uses other believers to demonstrate His love and acceptance of us.  The strength, comfort, encouragement and love of Christians toward one another are visible expressions of God’s love.  Our relationships with one another are very important to God.

However, our acceptance and worth are not dependent on other’s acceptance of us, even if they are fellow believers. Whether they accept us or not, we are still deeply loved, completely forgiven, fully pleasing, totally accepted and complete in Christ.  God alone is the final authority on our worth and acceptance.

How can we begin to practically apply the great truth of our reconciliation to almighty God?

The following exercise will help you begin to experience the freedom and joy of reconciliation.  1 Corinthians 13 describes God’s unconditional love and acceptance of us.

To personalize this passage, replace the word “love” with “my Father”.  Then memorize the following, and when fear comes to you, recall the love and kindness of God:

My Father is very patient and kind.
My Father is not envious, never boastful.
My Father is not arrogant.
My Father is never rude, nor is He self-seeking.
My Father is not quick to take offense.
My Father keeps no record of wrongs.
My Father does not gloat over my sins but is always glad when truth prevails.
My Father knows no limits to His endurance, no end to His trust.
My Father is always hopeful and patient.

As you memorize this passage, ask God to show you if your perception of Him is in error in any way.  This will enable you to have a more accurate perception of God and will help you experience more of His unconditional love and acceptance.

We don’t have to live believing the lie: I must be approved by others to feel good about myself.

We don’t have to be an approval addict.

We can be freed from the bondage of this lie – and believe me, it is bondage!

We find our freedom in this:

Because of reconciliation, we are completely acceptable to and by God.  We enjoy a full and complete relationship with Him, and in this relationship, His determination of our value is not based on our performance.

How has the fear of rejection impacted your life?

***** This is a synopsis of a sermon that I preached at Port Hardy Baptist Church.  It is part 3 in a series called Who do you think you are?

***** This series has been greatly influenced by Robert S. McGee’s book “The Search For Significance: Seeing Your True Worth Through God’s Eyes“

A Few Related Posts You May Find Useful:

Sermon Synopsis 9/23 – Overcoming Barriers to Transparency Finding my acceptance in Christ My security in Christ True Love Sermon Synopsis 4/20 – I am valued Irreconcilable differences? Who do you think you are? Our self-worth is not based on our performance