6 helpful ways to handle conflict

Whenever we are involved with a group of people (i.e. sports team, club, association, church) there is always the potential for conflict.  Why?

Because people have different personalities.

Because people have different preferences.

Because people have different ideas.

At some point, these are going to create conflict.

People will disagree.

People will want things done differently.

People will think their idea is better than another person’s.

Now we must know that conflict is not necessarily a bad thing.  That is, if it is handled in appropriate and helpful ways.  Sadly, most people don’t handle conflict in healthy or helpful ways and as result the conflict just escalates.

2 unhelpful ways people handle conflict

1. Avoiding the person that needs to be talked to.

This faulty thinking says “If I can’t see it it’s not there.” or “If I ignore it for long enough it will go away.”  So they give their “friend” the silent treatment.  They go out of their way to avoid the person.
2. Running around telling all their friends about the disagreement (dumping all the blame on the other person – of course) in an attempt to get people to take their side.

They do this because in their faulty thinking they believe that if the majority of people take their side then they must be right and then the other person will be forced to admit defeat and apologize.  There is a word for this.  It is called gossip.

6 helpful ways to handle conflict

1.  Start soon – don’t wait until the problem has escalated. 

Deal with it at the nearest appropriate opportunity.

2. Do it face to face – not over the phone, email, or by letter.

There are emotions, intonations, and facial gestures that help us communicate our love, care, acceptance for the other person.  The last thing we want when navigating such sensitive waters is miscommunication.

3. Affirm the relationship.

Begin by letting the other person know that you’re not doing this because you want to come down on them, but because you care for them – you want the best for them.  When you begin affirming the relationship you put them at ease, rather than have them defensive from the start.

It prepares them emotionally – so they listen rather than defend.  Say to them – “There’s something I need to tell you. It’s not easy for me to say, but I value our friendship and want the best for you.”

4. Make observations not accusations.

Say “I was offended or hurt by what you said” rather than “You offended me.”  Take ownership of your feelings and statements.  Accusations put people on the defensive, observations put them at ease.

5.  Get the facts.

Listen to the other person, get their side.  Ask the question “Are my observations correct?”  And then be willing to change if you were wrong.  Be prepared to apologize if you reacted wrongly.

6. Promote resolution.

Don’t just leave it up in the air. Ask the question: Where do we go from here? Is there a new understanding of one another?  Perhaps I need to be more careful now that I know you are sensitive about a particular topic.  Maybe I need to be less touchy. Maybe an apology needs to happen.

3 positive consequences resulting from resolving conflict:

1. It will create closer relationships – we create more open friendships.

2. It will lead to greater maturity, growth as a person.

3. It is an invaluable experience – to help others through conflict, and to do it better next time yourself.

How do you handle conflict?

Related posts:

1. How do you handle temptation?
2. Sermon Synopsis 9/28 – God won’t give me more than I can handle
3. How do you handle your failures?
4. 3 principles to deal with conflict
5. God helps us handle what we are given