Emotionally Healthy Spirituality Conference

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Stop mind reading!

May 15, 2012 — 20 Comments

What is mind reading? Mind reading is simply making an assumption about someone who has hurt or disappointed us without confirming it.

When we do this we believe a lie about this person in our heads.

This assumption is a misrepresentation of reality because we have not checked it out with the other person. It is very possible that we are believing something untrue.

It is also likely that we will pass our false assumptions around to others.

Acting on assumptions, without checking them out, is a common source of confusion and conflict in relationships. Often we are unaware of the havoc it creates in marriages, schools, families and workplaces.

How to stop mind reading

In order to stop mind reading we must clarify what the other person is thinking rather than assuming that you know.

Here are some important steps that we can implement:

1. Reflect on something you suspect the other person thinks or feels but they haven’t told you.

Example: “I think that Joe is mad at me because he was short with me the last time we talked.”

2. Ask: “Do I have your permission to read your mind? or “Can I check out an assumption with you?”

Example: “Joe, may I check out an assumption with you? ”

3. When permission is granted, ask:

“I noticed that you were very short with me that last time we talked. That’s unusual for you, so I’m wondering if you are upset with me? Is that true?”

“I think that you think . . . [fill in the blank]. Is that true?”

4. Give the other person an opportunity to respond.

Example: “No, I am not upset with you. My wife’s father was rushed to the hospital a few days ago so we have been spending all our free time with him there. I haven’t had the opportunity to respond to any of my phone messages yet.”

Are you guilty of mind reading? What do you do when you realize this?

***** We learned this skill at the Emotionally Healthy Spirituality Conference that was led by Pete and Geri Scazzero.

In Emotionally Healthy Spirituality Conference, Leadership, Marriage, Parenting

How to clarify expectations

May 10, 2012 — 24 Comments

Unmet and fuzzy expectations create chaos in relationships. They lead to frustration, disappointment and hurt.

Here are a few examples of unmet and fuzzy expectations:

If my pastor really cared about me he would call me when I am not at church.
I shouldn’t have to tell my husband to help me with the dishes. He should just know.
My children will come for Christmas this year because they didn’t come last year.

What happens is that we expect other people to know what we are thinking and what we want without us ever having to tell them. Unfortunately, these types of expectations are invalid.

Expectations are a problem when they are:

1. Unconscious: You weren’t even aware you had this expectation until you were disappointed or angry.

2. Unrealistic: There is no evidence that supports that this is realistic.

3. Unspoken: The expectation has never been communicated. i.e. “they should just know!”

4. Un “agreed upon”: The other person did not agree to it.

Valid expectations are:

1. Conscious: I am aware of my expectation.

2. Realistic: There is evidence that supports that it is a reasonable expectation *for me or someone else).

3. Spoken: I have expressed the expectation clearly and respectfully.

4. “Agreed upon”: The other person has to agree to the expectation.

Key principle: An expectation is only valid when it is mutually agreed upon.

Exercise: Identify an unmet expectation

1. Think of a recent, simple expectation that you have that went unmet and made you angry, disappointed or confused (i.e. family, work, friends, household chores/responsibilities, church neighbours, children, parenting, holidays, vacations, money).

Examples:

I expected my husband to accompany me to my office party this weekend.
I expected to socialize with members of my small group outside of meeting times.
I expected my teenager to put their dirty dishes in the dishwasher.
I expected my boss to give me at least a 5% cost of living raise last year.

2. Now answer the following questions about this expectation:

Were you aware you had this expectation?
What specific evidence is there that this person (s) can and will provide you with what you want or expect?
Have you clearly spoken the expectation or do you just think “they should know”?
Has the other person agreed upon the expectation?

Please share your response to these questions in the comments!

***** We learned this skill at the Emotionally Healthy Spirituality Conference that was led by Pete and Geri Scazzero.

In Emotionally Healthy Spirituality Conference, Leadership, Marriage, Parenting

The pastor’s marriage

May 3, 2012 — 16 Comments

The above statement was the theme of the Emotionally Healthy Leadership conference that Lauren and I attended on Tuesday. This is a very powerful statement with huge implications!

This statement is saying that the pastor’s marriage is core to change and transformation in the church.

This statement is saying that if the pastor’s marriage is not healthy they will not be able to lead a church to health.

This statement is saying that the pastor must make investing in their marriage their number one priority next to their relationship to God.

“If anyone does not know how to manage his own family, how can he take care of God’s church?” 1 Timothy 3:5

Here is a wrap up of the day by Pete Scazzero:

What we are committed to do to make our marriage a priority:

1. Daily focused connecting time.

We usually do this before we go to bed. This is something that we are continuing to grow in. I am learning to be much more transparent with Lauren about where I am at. This is a time for us to catch up on what is happening, work through any issues that may have arisen during the day and to pray together.

2. Weekly date nights.

This is usually Thursday nights for us. We commit to making this night just about us. We may watch a movie, play games or just chat. We realize that we have slipped in this area over the last while and we are going to remedy that.

3. Yearly getaways for growth and refreshment.

This takes planning and work. These times are incredibly valuable for our relationship. We have to make these getaways a priority or they won’t happen.

4. Apply emotionally healthy practices.

This is the toughest one as it is the hardest. I know that I need to continue to grow in the area of speaking directly, clearly, honestly and respectfully with Lauren. We have learned a lot of good skills to help us grow deeper in our relationship – we just need to apply them!

What are your thoughts on the statement “As goes the pastor’s marriage so goes the church”? What are you doing to make your marriage a priority?

In Emotionally Healthy Spirituality Conference, Leadership, Marriage

8 things we need to quit

May 5, 2010 — 11 Comments

Have you ever wanted to quit something? I have. There have been a few notable times in my life where the temptation to quit has been overwhelming. In each of these instances though I chose to persevere and move forward. I didn’t want to be a quitter.

Quitting has always been perceived as a negative thing for me. It seemed like the easy way out (and in some cases it would have been in the short run). I never dreamed that quitting could be a good thing. I mean, how could it?

The truth is that quitting can be a good and necessary thing at times. While I was at the Emotionally Healthy Spirituality Conference last week I was presented with 8 things that I (and you) need to quit in order to grow spiritually (these are going to be published in a book written by Pete and Geri Scazzero in September of this year).

Here they are:

1. Quit being afraid of what others think.
2. Quit lying.
3. Quit dying to the wrong parts of ourselves.
4. Quit denying anger, sadness and fear.
5. Quit blaming.
6. Quit overfunctioning.
7. Quit faulty thinking.
8. Quit living someone else’s life.

Do you need to quit any of these things? Is there anything else you need to quit?

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In Christian living, Emotionally Healthy Spirituality Conference

Can we find quiet in the midst of all the noise?

May 3, 2010 — 6 Comments

We’ve had an incredible week in New York City! Up to today, most of our experiences have been in the concrete jungle (except for our brief excursion to Central Park). There is one thing that I learned very quickly from our short stay here: New York City is absolutely crazy busy and noisy!

Cars are everywhere!
People are everywhere!
People are screaming for cabs!
People are screaming at each other!
Cars are honking (a lot!)

The reality of the situation is this: it is next to impossible to find a quiet place in the city! I find this to be true of our lives as well (at least mine anyway). My life can so busy and noisy that I can’t hear the quiet voice of God! Can anyone else relate to that?

I allow so many things to drown out the quiet voice of God.

TV.
Social media.
Busyness.
My work as a pastor.
And so on …

While I was at the Emotionally Healthy Spirituality Conference this week I experienced a very powerful moment On Thursday night, Pete Scazzero gave a 25 minute silent sermon (I think the people in my church wish that I would give some of these as well! It was incredible! Not one word was spoken yet I was SPOKEN to!

The only sense that was used in the experience was sight. The 25 minutes consisted of some powerful statements, images and exercises that were displayed on PowerPoint. You can watch the silent sermon here.

What I took away from this experience was: I need to include more silence in my life! I am not sure how I am going to do this yet but I am going to be pondering it a lot this week.

How about you? Do you practice silence in your life? If so, how?

***** Here is one small way that we practiced quiet in the midst of all the noise. We capped off our week with a trip to the Cloisters. Check out these pics that Lauren and I took:

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In Christian living, Emotionally Healthy Spirituality Conference

My “rule of life”

May 13, 2009 — 11 Comments

A very valuable exercise that I did while I was at the EHS Conference was write a “rule of life.” When I was first introduced to this term a few years ago I was a little skeptical. It carried negative connotations for me – it implied legalism and restrictions. Ironically, I have learned that a “rule of life” is actually a framework for freedom, not a set of rules that restrict or deny life. It helps provide perspective and clarity regarding the way of life to which God has called me.

The word “rule” comes from the Greek for “trellis.” A trellis is a tool that enables a grapevine to get off the ground and grow upward, becoming more fruitful and productive. In the same way, a “rule of life” is a trellis that helps us abide in Christ and become more fruitful spiritually, keeping God at the center of everything we do.

A rule works best when it challenges us. It can’t be so easy that we are not stretched; but neither can it be so demanding that we are overwhelmed. Otherwise, it is likely to discourage us and defeat its purpose. My “rule of life” seeks to provide boundaries while leaving plenty of room for flexibility. It functions as a kind of banister or railing to help me move forward in my journey with and for God. It is in not exhaustive but it covers the major areas of my life. I am sure it will get tweaked as I continue to live it out.

Here is my “rule of life.” I have broken into down into different categories.

Relationship with God:

Daily office: 2-3 times a day.
Allow Scripture to shape and form Christ in me.
Befriend silence.
Remember God’s history of faithfulness with each new challenge.

Relationship with Lauren:

Daily focused connecting time.
Weekly date night.
Yearly get-aways.
Apply emotionally healthy practices (especially in the area of speaking directly, clearly, honestly and respectfully).

Relationship with my children:

Respect their uniqueness and encourage it.
Apply emotionally healthy practices (especially in the area of incarnational listening).
Supper to bedtime – undivided attention.

Relationship with church and others:

Give people permission to say “no.”
Apply emotionally healthy practices.
Point others to a deep, personal relationship with Christ.
Walk in community while respecting each person’s uniqueness.

Self-care:

Run/walk three times a week.
Say “No” to things that distract from my purpose and passion.
Ruthlessly eliminate hurry in my life.
Pursue a hobby (photography right now).
Read at home and work.
Attend at least one personal growth conference a year.
Weekly Sabbath.
Limit junk food consumption.
Continue to allow others to speak into my life.

Work/Activity:

Work only 45-50 hours a week.
Give myself permission to rest if week is lighter.
Delegate and empower others.
Be proactive in my planning.
Continue to preach from my brokenness.
Only be out a maximum of three nights a week.
Share my gifts, talents and resources in and beyond my community.

Have you ever written a “rule of life”? Do you see the value of doing this?

In Emotionally Healthy Spirituality Conference

Creating a healthy culture of sharing in your home

May 8, 2009 — 2 Comments

As a pastor, I do a lot of listening. This is an important part of being a help and a guide to the people that I serve with and minister to. Unfortunately, this has led me to be a poor sharer (especially with Lauren) of what is going on in my life (you can read more about this here). Thankfully this is beginning to change as Lauren and I work hard at developing a healthy culture of sharing in our relationship. As I mentioned a few days ago, we have committed ourselves to spend time every day to connect with each other about what is going on in our lives.

While we were at the EHS pre-conference we learned a great skill to help us to continue to grow in this area. It is called the Community Temperature Reading (I learned about this last year but it was great that Lauren was exposed to it this time). The goal of this skill is to create a healthy culture of sharing through (1) Sharing positive aspects about one another (2) providing language that decreases assumptions and judgments and encourages exploration (3) being honest about negative things impacting you, suggesting possible solutions in respectful ways and (4) keeping current with what is going on in one another’s lives.

There are five parts to the “Community Temperature Reading.” They are:

1. Appreciations or Excitements: Appreciations are about the positive aspects of life together – what is good about others or what they have done. Most of us live by the rule: “no news is good news.” If nothing negative is happening, then we see little need for communication, expressing appreciation for people only when they go above and beyond the call of duty.

Scripture invites us to see people as image bearers of God who share in His beauty. On a practical level we can reflect the beauty of others,whether its family members, friends, co-workers, neighbourhood acquaintances, etc. through expressing appreciations of them.

Excitements give us a chance to express that which delights our souls. “I’m excited about having this week off to ‘chill’”; “I’m excited that my work project will be finished this week”; I’m excited to begin a work project this week.” The sharing of excitements give us windows into one another’s soul’s.

2. Worries, Concerns or Puzzles: People often do not express worries or concerns for fear of appearing inadequate or stupid. We hold them inside ourselves and then make erroneous assumptions about people and situations.

Puzzles are close related to worries and concerns. It is easy to jump to negative interpretations about events going on around us. Yet Scripture teaches us to “judge not, lest you be judged.” Expressing a “puzzle” enables us to avoid assumptions, negative interpretations, and judgmentalism. i.e. Instead of saying: “Who didn’t do the dishes last night?”, we say “I’m puzzled as to who was supposed to clean up last night.”

If there are things you don’t understand (or need clarification about), ask. Sharing our worries, concerns and puzzles prevent unhealthy assumptions or faulty thinking from turning into unnecessary resentments.

3. Complaints and Recommendations: The purpose of complaints and recommendations is to help each person be aware of and take responsibility for the small irritations and annoyances that arise every day. When they are unspoken, they can become a painful wound. When spoken poorly, they can become destructive. The intention is to help people take responsibility for their worries and concerns and share them maturely. This is not about arguing about or solving concerns but to hear each other, learn to negotiate and perhaps agree to disagree. Here the person with the complaint takes responsibility for coming up with a possible solution, speaking the truth in love (Eph. 4:25). A helpful format to use is, “I notice … and I would prefer …” i.e. “I notice that you don’t put the DVD’s away after they have been used and I would prefer that you did.”

4. New Information: This can take many forms – events, appointments, new decisions, achievements, opportunities, activities. This ensures no one feels excluded or passed over. Relationships can only grow when people know what is happening in each other’s lives – the trivial as well as the important. In addition, when we are heard, we feel validated and better about ourselves. i.e. “I have a Deacon’s meeting on Monday night” or “I got 97% of my test.”

5. Hopes and Wishes: This moves to the immediate future. A hope is not verbalized has little chance of being fulfilled. Many of us have not learned to talk about our hopes and wishes and yet they are significant parts of who we are. Sharing hopes and wishes are windows into your unique soul. Family life, in particular becomes richer as we support and listen to each other’s hopes and dreams. i.e. “I hope that I get a new job that opened up in our company.”

Lauren and I want to use this skill with our children as well. Our plan is to take one or two of these areas and use them at dinner time to help create a healthy culture of sharing in our home. This skill can also be used in churches to help foster a healthy culture of sharing.

Let’s do a community temperature reading of the readers of this blog. What are you excited about right now? What worries, concerns or puzzles are troubling you right now? (I would love to be able to pray for you.) Here are my answers: I am very excited about what God is doing in our church right now. I am excited as we continue to build bridges into our community. One big concern that I have right now is our downstairs renovation. I realize that this is a HUGE job and I am concerned about how we are going to get it all done this summer.

Now it’s your turn!

In Emotionally Healthy Spirituality Conference, Marriage

Shooting the Breeze