As a pastor, I’ve discovered that many people are dying slowly in a secret tomb of shame. Some are ashamed of their poor financial condition, plagued with guilt about their irresponsible spending and debt.
Others are ashamed about sexual sin from their past. Many carry extreme guilt with them into their future relationships.
Countless people are crippled by the shame of secret addictions. Some people even live with false guilt after suffering as victims of sexual abuse.
The shame cycle
Shame usually follows a pattern – a cycle of self-recrimination and lies that claims life after life.
Phase One: We experience an intensely painful event.
I don’t know what that would be for you. Maybe it was what somebody did to you. Maybe it was something that you did. It might have even been your fault. It doesn’t matter whose fault it was as much it is that you hurt because of what happened.
Phase Two: We connect what happened with who we are.
This is the difference between guilt and shame. Guilt says, “Well, I did something bad and I feel guilty about it.” Shame says, “I am bad.”
Guilt says, “This was something I did that I am not proud of.” Shame says, “I am a horrible person because of what I did.”
Phase Three: We become a prisoner tormented by our past.
Because of what happened, we feel this deep sense of separation from God or separation from others and a very real sense of desperation.
We think: “I’ll never get over this. My life will never be the way it could have been or should have been. I’m trapped. I can’t get out. I’ll never fully recover.”
This is deep dark shame and it will cause us to isolate and hide ourselves.
There is a way out of the cycle!
It is different for each person but it is also possible for each person by the grace of God no matter how uniquely and irreversibly crippling that person’s shame might feel.
How to break the shackles of shame
1. Accept that which cannot be changed.
For many, it is difficult to accept that the past has passed. Sometimes, it’s so hard just to leave it there, where it belongs. But until we do, we cannot make peace with the present or walk into the future with hope.
2. Embrace that God can change our future.
While we may always remember what happened, we need to believe that we are not what happened. We are who God says we are – new creations (2 Corinthians 5:17).
When we reject what our shame says about us, we can finally hear what God says about us. He is working in all things to bring about good in our lives because we love God and are called according to His purposes (Romans 8:28).
Once a broken bone heals it is often strongest at the point of fracture. In the same way, God can take the shame of our past failures and amazingly redirect their outcomes toward our future success.
Today is the day to let go of your shame!
You can’t change whatever is causing you shame, but God can use it for His good .
Imagine for a moment how different your life could be if you broke free from the cycle of shame. Imagine the freedom you would feel. Imagine God taking that shame and now using it for His good.
Can you see that happening? Does that excite you?
We are made new in Him. The old has past away, and with it, its shame.
Amen Dusty!
Kevin Martineau recently posted…How do we overcome gossip?
I think that 2nd one is huge: we connect what was done by or to us as who we are. That can be so difficult to separate, but God keeps loving and showing us His grace over and over until every other thought is washed away. Good stuff, Kevin. Thank you.
Jason Stasyszen recently posted…Forgiveness is Losing
That is definitely my biggest struggle but as you mentioned, God keeps revealing His grace over and over to me.
Thanks for sharing Jason!
Kevin Martineau recently posted…God doesn’t want our meaningless rituals
Kevin, your amazing and right to the point.
We are tough that Jesus died for all our sins now and in the future. Yet, to most that is just words based on their level of belief.
It is one thing to leave and walk your talk per say. Yet, another just to look like you know.
Giving into doubt and fears bring on all of the others. Guilty feelings and shame are nothing more than emotions. That is what you control based on your mindset.
When we learn the omnipotent power within each on of us. Then we are no longer subject to just negative feelings. Learning to replace them with knowing I am balanced and all things will be done as I can vision them. Your blessed and highly favored. Start stop acting. Then start being true to yourself and others. Being one who is balanced and transparent will keep you away from doubt and worries. Also, shame is just a feeling which may pop up yet switch your thought to something that makes you feel good inside. Negative and positive thoughts can not occupy your mind at the same time. So now you know this procedure use it. You have the power to do all things, just recognize that.
God loves you and nothing you have or will do has not been seen by him before. If you except the truth then use that power to overcome negative feelings by changing your surroundings. Change your thoughts is the first step to you being real.
Kevin, your a motivator and you empower us to do more for others. What you have written is priceless. I will continue my support and respect your vision.
I know you are one of our greatest visionaries in this industry. I have been monitoring your growth and presents.
You are a great presenter of how we all should forgive ourselves and more forward. Thank you!
William Earl Amis Jr III recently posted…Talk Transparency
Thanks for your encouraging words William!
I wholeheartedly agree with you that a huge factor in overcoming shame is by changing our thoughts.
Kevin Martineau recently posted…Do you have a to don’t list?
A very inspiring post. Yes we are sometimes trapped in our shame that makes it very hard for us to move on. Though with God and our acceptance that there are certain things that we cannot change then we will be able to rise up and overcome this feeling of shame and replace it with true happiness and strength from within.
Yes we are!
Thanks for sharing Jeffrey!
Kevin Martineau recently posted…Cheers and the local church
Great post! I agree that many fall into shame when God never intended for us to live like that!
We are victorious through the blood of Christ!
Sadly, satan twists even the word of God to make us feel shameful.
I pray this post frees the multitudes of the shackles of shame!
tcavey recently posted…Hands and Feet
Thanks TC!
Kevin Martineau recently posted…How to learn contentment
Kevin,
Have you heard of Brene Brown? She’s a UT professor who has spent a career studying shame, vulnerability and other similar topics. Saw her a few weeks ago at a convention in Portland – she had people in tears. The one thing I remember is that she made the distinction between shame and guilt – that shame focuses on self (i.e. – I am bad) and guilt focuses on behavior (i.e. – I did something bad). This all tied into her topic of vulnerability – that you open yourself up to uncertainty, risk and emotional exposure – in doing so, (and I am paraphrasing) you take off the “shield” and allow yourself to truly experience love, life and acceptance….
Check these out:
http://www.ted.com/talks/brene_brown_listening_to_shame.html
http://www.ted.com/talks/brene_brown_on_vulnerability.html
Don Faust recently posted…Winning: Downtown Napa, Revitalized
Those are awesome videos Don!
Thanks for sharing!
Kevin Martineau recently posted…When we fear God we will be forever ruined
Kevin, one of the most powerful things for me to meditate on when I feel ashamed is that God’s Power is so much greater than anything that has happened to me or anything I have done. Step Two is to act with faith and repentance on that belief, out of Love for the One who is delivering me.
Steve Borgman recently posted…Who Else Wants Free Self Help? Listen To My Favorite Online Podcasts
Amen Steve!
Thanks for sharing.
Kevin Martineau recently posted…3 ways criticism reveals itself in our lives