Shooting the Breeze
As a pastor I want to be sensitive to those times when others are in genuine need so I can respond. It is uncaring and inappropriate though to function consistently for others when they can manage for themselves. This is true even if they want us to function for them and tell us we are “uncaring” if we don’t.
“We overfunction when we do for others what they can and should do for themselves.” Geri Scazzero I Quit! pg. 141
5 deadly consequences of overfunctioning
(from “I Quit!” pages 147-158 by Geri Scazzero)
1. Overfunctioning breeds resentment.
A lot of times we can confuse caring about someone with having to take care of them. However, in trying to accomplish too much, we not only lose sight of ourselves but of the very purpose of our hard work. Over time this will breed resentment.
2. Overfunctioning perpetuates immaturity.
When we accept the role of superhero and take full responsibility for other people’s lives, we not only engage in self-destructive behaviour but we also ensure the ongoing immaturity of the other person.
The lie that overfunctioning whispers in our ears is this: You are the only thing holding everything together. If you stop, things will fall apart. Actually, the opposite is true. The more we overfunction, the more others are demotivated to make changes.
3. Overfunctioning prevents you from focusing on your life’s calling.
When we overfunction in service to others, we often underfunction for ourselves. We lose sight of our values, beliefs and goals.
4. Overfunctioning erodes your spiritual life.
Christ alone is the Saviour. We are called to trust and to surrender to His love. When we cross the line and put ourselves in charge of running God’s world for Him, we enter into dangerous territory.
5. Overfunctioning destroys community.
When people function properly according to God’s design, there is truth and relationships are marked by “love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control” (Galatians 5:22-23). When overfunctioning and underfunctioning are present, relationships are marked instead by dissension, conflict, blaming, helplessness, anger and despair.
The 4 phases of breaking free from overfunctioning
(from “I Quit!” pages 158-164 by Geri Scazzero)
1. Admit that you are overfunctioning.
You know you are crossing the line into overfunctioning when you hear yourself saying things like, “We won’t celebrate Christmas as a family unless I do it.” “I’m the only one who can do it right.“ “It is just easier if I do it myself.“ “I’m afraid of their reaction if I ask them to do more.” You will need to discern your own unique warning signs.
2. Unleash the earthquake.
Introducing change into a relational system is like unleashing an earthquake – it knocks everyone and everything off their feet and may even topple long-standing structures. This change is similar to reclaiming, discovering, and living out your personal integrity.
You admit you are overfunctioning and are now ready to disrupt the status quo. The rules of the relationship are about to change. It is no longer business as usual. It is not telling someone else what to do; it is telling them what you are going to do or not do.
The size of the earthquake depends on the level of maturity of those involved, the history of the relationship and the willingness to avail themselves of outside help if needed. But when you first quit overfunctioning, even in something small, it can feel cataclysmic.
3. Prepare for chaos.
Whenever we differentiate and give up our old ways of behaving and living, we can always expect a reaction from those close to us. “Change back,” or “Don’t you dare,” may be the words you hear. Chaos means the relational system is now operating in unpredictable ways.
4. Stand firm.
Entrenched relational patterns are strong. You can expect to encounter resistance when you choose to stop overfunctioning. The goal of this phase is to stand firm in your decision; others are unaccustomed to seeing you in your new role. The awkwardness extends to everyone around you. Allow time for people’s perceptions of both you and others to change.
In what area of your life are you overfunctioning in right now? What might be a practical next step for you today?
This is a continuation of my book club discussions of Geri Scazzero’s book “I Quit!”. This week I read Chapter Six: Quit overfunctioning. If you have a response, please add it below and add to the discussion. Whether you’ve read the chapter or not, please share your thoughts!
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That is so true. I have seen this played out both in church and my family as some have this inexplicable need to ” mother ” others
Luther recently posted..Word Wednesday:Selfish
I think this is especially hard for Christians and for those in leadership. We falsely believe that we have to always help every person who comes our way and asks us to help. We forget that Jesus didn’t heal every person and meet every need while He was here on earth. He took time to re-charge His batteries and to take care of Himself too.
Thanks for sharing Luther!
Kevin Martineau recently posted..Finding strength in difficult times
Great advice, Kevin. This is such a trap. It’s hard to get out of, but so necessary. Thanks
jasonS recently posted..Love Makes Promises
It definitely is a trap that is far too easy for me to fall in to.
Thanks for sharing Jason!
Kevin Martineau recently posted..Does anyone care?
LOL, boy this one had me written all over it! How did you know Kevin?
A lesson I have been learning for a lifetime. I just took a giant step forward last month and hired my first virtual assistant. I had been trying to do it all, for my business and my husbands but it wasn’t working too well.
Now I have Justine doing a lot of my tasks and that has given me the time to teach my husband how to do some of his own work too!
I have definitely gone thru the chaos over the past month as I have been making these changes. But that light at the end of the tunnel is getting very bright.
We definitely need to focus on the light at the end of the tunnel and not get discouraged and give up because of the short term chaos.
Thanks for sharing Carla!
Kevin Martineau recently posted..Quit denying anger, sadness and fear
BTW Kevin, I was born and raised in Alert Bay. My parents are still up there, they just recently moved over to Port McNeill.
What a small world!
Wow! It definitely is a small world.
Kevin Martineau recently posted..4 ways to pursue joy in our lives
Great article Kevin – I belive another term for over-functioning is “co-dependant.” It’s a little issue that most ACOA (adult children of alcholics) become familiar with all too early in life and it seems the more determined one is to avoid that scenario with spouses and other adult relationships, the more likely to draw them into our lives.
Marquita Herald recently posted..Rejection: It Could be the Best “No!” You Ever Heard
I agree that they go hand in hand in a lot of situations (especially in ACOA).
Thanks for sharing Marquita!
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Good article Kevin,
You guys are doing a great job. Thanks for the tips…
Thanks for sharing Anna!
Kevin Martineau recently posted..Quit blaming
Hi Kevin. Here is an additional to your top 5 consequences of Overfunctioning.
Overfunctioning decrease our productivity, leave us creatively drained, and negatively affect
6. Overfunctioning can affect your health too and its not really good.
relationships with friends and family. I learned that there’s nothing wrong with working hard on projects that we love however, it is essential to take breaks or unload (which means you can hire someone to do some loads for you). Whether you’re working from home or in an office environment it’s essential to nourish our productivity and consider our health.
All the Best,
Jans
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Hi Jans:
Our health is definitely affected by our overfunctioning. I have learned this the hard way too many times.
Thanks for sharing!
Kevin
Kevin Martineau recently posted..Find the courage to ask for help
Hey Kevin, wow what great wisdom. I find myself getting stuck in an overfunctioning role, thinking that if I just do something myself it will be quicker or faster, overlooking the opportunity for another to be able to grow and learn from the experience. I suppose it has to do with being patient. I have recognized this and love the way though that you have spelled it out and provided a remedy. Great stuff, thanks!
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Over-functioning is such an easy trap to fall in to if we are not careful.
Thanks for sharing Hans!
Kevin Martineau recently posted..Quit blaming
Great post, Kevin! This is something that leads to burnout. I remember when I did my internship for TFE and the pastor was expected to deliver the weekly sermon, teach Sunday School, be present at all committee meetings, and when he was there, everyone else always looked at what he was doing. On top of that, he had just had his fourth kid about six weeks early. Eventually, I noticed that every time it was my turn to teach or deliver a sermon, he would just be so exhausted. It seemed like he was able to perform, but he would just crash as soon as he didn’t have to. This is something that is just way too easy to fall victim to if we aren’t careful.
Steve Nicholas recently posted..Click and Priorities
Hi Steve:
I think pastors are definitely at great risk of overfunctioning. Sometimes it is because of false expectations that they put on themselves (I have to do everything, I must meet every need, etc) or because of false expectations of others (the pastor should always be available when I need him, the pastor should do all the ministry, etc.).
I have often fell into this trap and I am learning to overcome this! A wise pastor once told me: You don’t have to die for the church because Christ already did!
Thanks for sharing!
Kevin
Kevin Martineau recently posted..Find the courage to ask for help
Hi Kevin,
There were times I can say I “overfunctioned”. Before, I never allowed anyone to plan our yearly family reunions other than myself, and when some of my relatives wanted to help me plan it, I normally dismissed them and kindly told them I can do it myself. However, I ended up needing the help of my sisters because I unexpectedly got very busy at work and the family reunion that year was set at Christmas time.
Thanks for sharing this nice post!
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It is definitely too easy for most of us to fall into the trap of overfunctioning. It is freeing when we allow others to help us.
Thanks for sharing Felicia!
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