I have been a pastor now for almost 15 years. In my years of being a pastor I have had some incredible joyous times and I have had some incredibly difficult times. I have had moments where I thought I could “conquer” the world and I have had moments of feeling great defeat and disappointment. I have had moments where I couldn’t imagine doing anything else and I have had moments wondering if I should continue on as a pastor.
Most Christians turn to their pastor in their difficult moments, in their moments of defeat and disappointment and in their moments of doubt. But who does the pastor turn to when they are experiencing these feelings? In most cases, they turn to two sources: God and their spouse. The God part is a no-brainer but I wonder how many married pastors recognize the importance of their relationship with their spouse? I wonder how many churches recognize the ministry of their pastor’s spouse to their pastor?
Lauren has been a great support to me.
Lauren has been an incredible encourager to me.
Lauren has been my shoulder to “cry” on when I am feeling down and defeated.
Lauren has been my sounding board when it has come to making tough decisions.
Lauren has been the one who has given me “pastoral care” when I needed it the most.
Sadly, I know I can take all these incredible blessings for granted at times. I can forget that Lauren is carrying a “load” that most wife’s don’t have to. I think most churches can fall into this trap too.
So here’s my two-fold challenge:
Pastor’s: Don’t take your spouse’s ministry to you for granted! Nurture your relationship with them. Make sure that their needs are being met too. Pray for them. Go out of your way to do something special for them this week! Take the time today to tell them that you appreciate them!
Churches: Don’t take your pastor’s spouse for granted! Support them. Encourage them. Pray for them. Remember that they are carrying a load that most spouses don’t have too. Don’t put unfair expectations on them. Do something special for them this week!
October was pastor’s appreciation month. Maybe November should be pastor’s spouse appreciation month!
If you are a pastor, what do you do to not take your spouse for granted? If you are not a pastor, what do you do to not take your pastor’s spouse for granted?
Recommended reading: Leading on Empty: Refilling Your Tank and Renewing Your Passion
Pastors always say to us give it to God, but god made us all human. I beleive we are all to support each other, wives, friends, deacons, brothers and sisters. We should all be part of a support team even other churches should be there for 'brother churches' we can grow and enlarge our church family this way.
Pastor Kevin,
I was interested in reading your post because as I work with pastors I often hear the title as a lament. I'm so glad you give your answer and honor to your wife. She sounds like an incredible person. I'm married to an amazing women also. I need to praise her more publically. Love your idea for November.
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I agree Monica! This is the way it should be but unfortunately it doesn't always happen. I am very blessed at my church with wonderful support but not every pastor is. Hence, the pastor usually turns to their spouse for that support. We need to remember to support our pastor's spouses as much as we support our pastor.
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Thanks for sharing Eyvonne! The pastor's marriage is their most critical relationship outside of their relationship with God.
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Thanks for sharing Trevor! I am truly blessed and I too need to publicly praise my wife more too.
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Who takes care of the pastor? This is a problem for you because the present day church is not the Biblical method. We are supposed to be in submission to each other, sharing our needs and concerns with each other – as opposed to the top down approach. Jesus Christ is the only bastion of our faith, and you have hard times because you cant measure up, even with the amazing support of your wife. You take to much upon yourself sir.
Kevin, this is a tremendous post. May the God of all creation bless you and your spouse as you continue to serve Him with the strength He provides. And may He do the same for all the pastors and ministry leaders who are influenced by your excellent blog writings.
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I'm a pastor's wife and my husband and I were having a similar conversation last night.
My husband has been sharing with a young man in seminary who is dating and thinking about how to choose a mate.
My husband is trying to make clear to this young man that there will be times when his wife will be his ONLY friend. When explaining he needed to marry someone who is first a friend, the young man seemed surprised by the idea. Young ministers and future pastors need to understand the impact of a strong and healthy marriage on their ministry.
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I have friends who were pastor and pastor's wife. I remember staying with them when visiting in the UK. The phone never stopped ringing and there were always people in the house. They were so kind and loving but I felt often people didn't take care of them. They are retired now but still serving the Lord and still sacrificial. However they are so relaxed as they don't have the responsibility of the flock now. I feel if we are all funcioning in the body as we should; not such a big load would be put on you or your wife. We should all be doing our part and being who God intends for us to be. Shouldn't be left to the pastor alone. Isn't biblical cos pastor not OT priest.
Blessings to you and your wife
Patricia Perth Australia
I think you missed the point of this post Rustin. This post isn't just about me. It's about the need to recognize the support and ministry that the "leadership's" spouse has for them. Whatever model you practice there are always going to leaders (paid or not) – that is the biblical model. We need to support them as well as their spouse because they carry a burden that most people do not.
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Thanks Scott!
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Great points Patricia! I am blessed with a very supportive church and I am very thankful for that.
Thanks for sharing!
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Sadly, pastor burn out is an epidemic these days. A lot of is because of unrealistic expectations that the pastor puts on themself and the church puts on the pastor.
We need more ministries like your dad's!
3 years ago my wife and I were blessed by a ministry called "Leadercare." Sadly, it doesn't exist anymore.
Thanks for sharing Kyle!
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My Dad was a pastor and suffered burnout fatigue as well as just feeling overwhelmed. He went through som every challenging times because there was no one he could talk to.
It led him to start a ministry called ministry care (http://ministrycare.org)” target=”_blank”> ” target=”_blank”>(http://ministrycare.org)
He is a certified health and life coach as well as a licensed counselor.
But more importantly he takes his experience in ministry and provides a safe place for ministers and staff to be free to work through problems as well as future advice.
Thanks for talking about this, it is a very important subject.
Kevin,
The dilemma of pastor support and care is a sad and true. Alone and at times desperate for someone to listen and understand without trying to fix it is a reality for pastors, ministry leaders and missionaries. Thanks for your honesty here and glad to hear about your wife who is there for you.
I was there, as a minister in 2005, uncertain who could understand me and who I could trust. Several years later now, I started a safe haven for ministry leaders called "Ministry Care", an non-for-profit ministry for pastors, ministry leaders and missionaries to connect for counseling, coaching and/or resources.
Thank you for your attention to this issue and I pray for all leaders who need an ear for support.
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Thanks for your words of encouragement Gary and may God bless richly you in your ministry to pastors!
You are %100 on with this. In all our faith and career questions and wrestling, the only people we can confide in and rely on his each other. I feel that my husband and I have an incredible relationship, one that few married couples ever experience. And you are right, it's not like we are trying to fix everybody, or be everybodies savior. Every sunday people come up to us in droves to share their latest struggle/problem and ask for prayer/ direction. But there is no way I could do that same to them, some of my struggles/problems would cause a total uproar in the church!
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I am learning to be more open and vulnerable with the people at my church. It is scary and incredibly risky but they are my community. They need to know and recognize that I need them too.
Pastor's don't have to be doomed to be "islands" unto themselves. Sadly, this is the case in many situations. I am so thankful for a wonderful and supportive wife. My desire is to make sure that she gets the support she needs too!